It's 2 a.m. on Christmas eve morning, I woke with thoughts of my life running through my head laying awake thinking for over an hour of things to do, past memories and truths about me. So here I am putting it down letting it rest with hopes to bring some ease and peace so that I may get a few more hours of sleep before the last rush of Christmas errands to do today.
I like to be calm. I think I am up at this crazy hour because I still have things to do for the holiday. I have been putting off my gift wrapping and shopping. Most of my memories of holidays past are of frantic attempts to try to make the rounds to visit family or preparing for family to come celebrate at our house. I have worked to change this behavior which started in my childhood. I feel more peaceful in the way we celebrate the holidays now. We still get together with family, enjoy good food and exchange gifts but we keep it is more simple. There are less expectations and it is really more enjoyable.
Yesterday when I thought I would go out and do my last errands, I took the day to go skiing with Brian. I suggested that we should take advantage of all the snow we got this past weekend. Monday night before we left I could feel my nerves start to rise. I love to ski and I would say that I am a strong intermediate skier and I can handle some of the most difficult trails, but my confidence holds me back. I am afraid that I am going to fall and get hurt.
We ski mostly at Mad River Glen in VT. It is my favorite place to ski. I know the mountain well and feel very comfortable there. Yesterday we went to Cannon, I have never been there before and it being my first day out this season and a new place I asked Brian to be gentle with me. Brian is an excellent skier, he started when he was three. He usually is skiing off trail, doing things I can't even imagine and he makes it look easy. He is a telemark skier and the first time we skied together I thought it looked like ballet on skis because of his natural rhythm and grace.
So yesterday, it was our first run, we get to the top, I see the caution sign (I ask Brian if he know where he is going -all the other skiers are headed off in the other direction) and he says follow me. Well off I go and as soon as we start skiing my nerves really kick in. For me in my mind this is not a first run of the season warm up trail. It is steep, icy in some areas, with bumps and some nice powder here and there. It was a challenge. When I am facing challenges I am not happy. I knew shortly after we were on this trail if it had been my 3rd or 4th run I would have loved it. I did ski this trail quite a bit more and enjoyed it. It it made me realize my truth, in life I like staying in my comfort zone. It is hard for me to face challenges even though I know they make me stronger and better. All in all it was a challenging day of skiing for me. It is hard for me to keep up with Brian, but I am skiing trails that I would have never attempted on my own and my skiing is continually improving.
Now it is back to my tasks for today. Crazy me I told Katie that I would take her to the mall so she could do the last of her shopping. I think she just wants to get me into the mall in so that I will buy her the last minute Christmas wish of the Nike Air sneakers that she is hoping for. I believe that Santa will have to cover that one. She is a good girl I am sure he will be good to her.
My wish to you is for peace and joy!
Happy Holidays with love,
Caryn
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